Silent Christmas

            All the Christmas songs played on every household changes my mood. Seeing the colorful lights hung in every corner of the streets reminds me of my bitter past. Watching all the assorted Christmas decorations hung on one’s Christmas tree or displayed in their house digs up all my buried sorrows. This doesn’t mean I don’t like Jesus or I’m an atheist. I just hate how my family celebrates Christmas.

            A few years back, I used to stuff my head with Christmas fantasies, picturing a family with a buffet happily eating and laughing together. One week before Christmas I can see the excitement on everyone’s faces. I can hear my cousins talking about how they will light a firecracker at the stroke of twelve and eat their Noche Buena together with their families. All the movies shown in the television were all about Christmas as the most joyous occasion and Santa Claus. As a child, I fell for these illusions.

            As what I remembered about my Christmas, we just had a lot of food but after eating I was told to go off to bed. I did not witness the explosion of the firecrackers. I did not hear my parents greeting us a Merry Christmas. And when I woke up in the morning, there was no sign of Christmas in the house it was just like an ordinary day except for the food and the scattered papers on the streets. But I never stopped hoping that maybe my Christmas would turn out great.

            I kept holding on my fantasies until one Christmas Eve came. My mother was out of town for some work and my father was in a store, drinking liquor with his friends, leaving me and my sister alone. I tried to tell my sister good stories about Christmas just to let her feel that this Christmas would be good. I tried to wait for my mother. I heard the firecrackers and the people’s jubilant greetings and shouting. Until 3 o’clock, there was no sign of my mother. When I woke up, my mother got home but she and my father never spoke a word giving me a clue that they had a fight. There was no celebration in our house, another typical day and I just acted that nothing was wrong in front of my sister. That Christmas turned my hope into despair.

            Few years from that, I did not expect anything about Christmas when the New Year’s Eve came. We were busy preparing for our Media Noche when my ate told us that my favorite grandpa died. New Year’s Day was gloomy and I was left at home since everyone was on my grandpa’s burial, I was very afraid to see him lying in a coffin and thinking that I lost a great person in my life. I was left staring into empty space, I thought it was just Christmas but now I’ll have to suffer another agony in New Year.

            Many people knew that I don’t enjoy Christmas as well as New Year but no one really knew the story behind that. I never talked to my parents about how I feel about this season. I understand that they also never had the chance to experience a good Christmas. I just expected too much. But some part of me still clings to that picture of a perfect Christmas. Last year, my whole family attended the Christmas Eve mass and got the chance to eat our Noche Buena on time. It’s a great improvement compared to the past. Right now, I’m not only hoping but I’m praying for the right time to spend my perfect Christmas and New Year. 

Lost Childhood

            While other children are happily playing in the field, I was happily watching them in our house. While other children are learning to cross the streets, I was learning how to read. While other children are watching cartoon movies, I was stuffing my head with all the necessary information about science. While other children are happily dancing in the rain, I was trying hard to learn etiquettes. While other children are cheerfully playing with their playmates, I was talking with someone 50 years older than me.

            At the age of 8 I have been curious about glaciers and the solar system. I was often not allowed to go out of our house or else a great punishment will be waiting for me. My parents said that playing is a waste of time. But my childhood was not very damage. I can still identify who those famous cartoon characters were. I have read fairytale stories on my own. And I listened to nursery rhymes. Although toys and wandering around never trended during my time, I knew that I just spent my childhood in a unique way.

            Memories just won’t stop bothering me. Sometimes I can’t help but to envy other people who have spent their childhood very well. I feel troubled about what will I tell to my future children about my childhood. I was not close to my parents. I was not close to my cousins. I never had a long time playmate. I was trained to be independent. Often times I wonder why my parents allowed my younger siblings to do the things they never allowed me to do when I was a kid. But I just turn around and tell myself that maybe when they saw me growing they’ve realized that I was never happy. Today, I’m just glad that my siblings never experienced the things I had during my childhood. It really made a difference.

            I can understand my parents about their protectiveness since I’m the eldest. But I just can’t stop myself to ask, what if my parents allowed me to do the things I’ve never done when I was a child, what kind of blog will I write about my childhood? Answers remained uncertain. But one thing is for sure, I’m contented with my life today. I may not have enjoyed much of my childhood but life never ends after that. I have discovered many things and I’m very eager to unravel some more. It may be too late to enjoy my childhood but it’s never too late to have my life.

            

The Perks of Rebellion

            We follow our household and community rules and regulations. We have to excel. We have to live up to our parents’ and other people’s expectations. We must never be the black sheep of the family. We must not bring disgrace to our family. Have you ever asked yourself if you’re happy with what you are doing? Have you ever wanted for a break free from all these stuffs? Have you ever remembered when was the time that other people asked you what you wanted to do with your life?

            Many people say that all the youths now are all stupid brats and a rebel. We are trouble makers and attention seekers. We are conceited and disobedient. Teenagers do these stuffs.  What is a teenager without a little rebellion?

            I have once possessed those certain traits although I even possess few of those traits today but I have managed to control it somehow. I worked hard to be at the top. But the people around me was never contented, they wanted me to strive harder. With all the pressure, I just woke up one day and said to myself, “I don’t want to be me anymore. Why won’t I try breaking the rules?” Day after day I have changed my nerdy school girl appearance into a rebel teenager. I skipped my classes and I only attend one if I wanted to. I never study. I faced my phone 24/7. I joined clans and socialized more. And there were many things that I’ve done without my parents knowing. At that moment I said to myself, “This is life.”

            At the first half of the school year, I placed second and my parents got disappointed but I was never shaken. I continued to do my thing. My parents noticed that I have been abusing my phone. I was grounded for one month but when my punishment was lifted off, I did it again. It was just a cycle until my parents receive my report card. My grades were not that bad, I just ranked third on the class standing. But I did not care, I never studied anyway at least none of my effort was wasted.

            During summer my mother got home and commanded me to go the master’s bedroom, she locked the door and scolded me for what I’ve done. My cousin whom I treated as best friend told her all the things that I’ve done. She was so furious that she cried in front of me. With a wink of an eye, I reflected everything that I’ve done those past few month; doubts and regrets followed. That time, my parents decided to stop supporting for my education. I never said a word; I’m not open to my family about how I feel.

During that time I wanted to tell the things that I was holding in my chest this whole time but I was dumbfounded. Every time I tried to communicate with my parents they always have something to say about me being the black sheep of the family and how I disappointed many people. One time I heard that my mother and my aunt fought each other because my aunt badmouthed me in front of many people. It was very chaotic. There was not a single day that I never cried myself to sleep. I even tried to commit suicide but my little brother came to me and wiped my tears.

After that, I tried to be strong for my siblings. I trashed the thought of having suicide; I still have a better life to live. Few days later, my father told me that I will have my second and last chance to prove myself. I got enrolled for the next school year and got my title back. The pressure was still there but I tried not to mind it.

Life is a journey. We fail to follow the road signs. We take the wrong road. Sometimes, we have to stop. But we still learn and it’s up to us how we will reflect the bumps on the road. Life is never about looking back. It’s about moving on, allowing changes and looking forward for challenges that will make us stronger. It’s never too late to have a life and it’s never too late to change one.

Ridiculous Intrusion

August 6, 2013 is the celebration of the 442^nd Cebu Province Foundation Day.  The day I arranged for recreation and enjoyment. The day I wanted to spend without any disruption or so I thought.

Good vibes embraced my morning as I received a message from my mother saying that my father will come to the city. I got up from my bed and ate my breakfast.  I hurriedly prepared myself to meet my father. It was pass lunch time when we meet at the mall then he bought me a snack. He told me to help him buy electrical supplies for the resort that he’s working now. We went to a hardware shop and bought many things.

We went back to the mall to buy new clothes and to fetch a taxi that would transport all the materials to the bus terminal. We went shopping and ate again – just the typical father and daughter bonding. After our short get together, we went back to the hardware shop and claimed the things that we bought then we headed off to the bus terminal. After all the materials were safely placed in the van, I told my father that I will go to the other bus station to get the stuffs that my mother delivered for me.

I told my father that I would just walk my way through the other bus station since the bus station was only 2 blocks away. On my way, I have encountered two scary strangers saying, “Give me your phone.” With my buffering brain cells, it took me a few seconds to be realized that those men were snatchers. Without any hesitation, I took my phone (My Phone: QTV20 DUO) and gave it to them. The snatchers made funny faces while looking at my phone and said, “WHAT KIND OF PHONE IS THIS? Here, take it. Tsss! (Sarcastic) What a phone.” After that event, I took my phone from the snatchers and went to my destination like nothing happened.

When I arrived at the dormitory, I told my roommates about the event and it became a laughingstock. That was my first experience and I didn’t know what to think of that time. Will I be scared because I was about to get snatched on broad daylight? Or will I find it funny because of what those choosy snatchers did? 

Great Transformation

                Pride is like a perfume. When it is worn, it radiates a sense of self the world reacts to ~ Stevie Wonder

                During my early years, I was always at the top of my game. I was always the winner.  I can beat the others effortlessly. And everyone got used to my victory and looked at me as a victor. All my triumphs and all the people’s praises gave me a feeling of pride and superiority. Everyone wanted to take away my title but they never did. It was great or so I thought.

 I got my friends, a lot of them, but I can’t figure out which ones were true. I got many acquaintances and the other people Who greets me along the way even if I don’t know them. All of my school’s teachers and faculty staff knows me. I got used to the attention given to me until I realized that an extreme pressure was on my shoulders. Even my parents wanted me to exert more effort even if I have always excelled in my studies. Where ever I go people talk about my achievements.  And then a question struck my mind, what if I can’t live with their expectations? Life is never constant, I am the winner today but what if I’ll be the loser tomorrow? What will they say? What will I say?

But during my junior year, my Physics teacher grouped us for our final activity before the school year ends. And for all the things, why group work? I hate group activities. I gave him all the reason why the activity should be performed individually but he never agreed to my objection. Every group has to perform three activities in front of the class. And to my disappointment, my group ranked the last on all of the activities because my entire group took the activity for granted just because I was their group mates. Can you now get my point why I don’t like group works? After the activity, my classmates bullied me. The experience was entirely new for me. The bullying lasted for weeks and I was really depressed and confused.

I asked God, why did He do that? Why did He want me to suffer? Was my service to Him not enough? On my way home, I cannot bear the pain and cried inside the PUV (Public Utility Vehicle). Then A voice inside my head said, why will God not choose you to suffer? He even let His own son be crucified just to save you. And if you did not suffer, you will never stop growing pride which is a great sin. God loves you so much.

Then it hit me. I was very wrong. I was blinded with all of my achievements and grew full of pride. I learned from that lesson. And since then, I have always accepted every problem and challenges as a blessing. Everything happens for a reason. My suffering is my offering

Love's Jinx

LOVE - Who would not relate to this matter? Even if you ask anyone what is love, he/she can give you a direct answer. But sometimes, love is not enough to make all things work. Even time can't heal all wounds.

As a teenager, we often confused ourselves by admiration, infatuation and love. I have experienced that kind of feelings. It's when your crush passes by and greet you but then you've been dumbfounded, trying to register into all of your brain cells everything that just happened. That feeling when you always stalk MR. CRUSH, always alert on every news you can gather about him and most of all, very prepared for eavesdropping. Yep, those where the days.

I had a few of what we call "pseudo relationships" but I've never been into a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Maybe someone is just not cut out for me yet or maybe I'm just trying my best to avoid getting into a SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. It's not just because my family is against about me having a boyfriend, I just don't feel that it's the right time for me to be head over heels. Oh c'mon, there are tons of fish in the water.

Have I been cheated?? YES. During those times, I felt like I'm a total idiot where you were hoping that he's LOYAL but the bare fact is that HE'S NOT but the worst part is that I don't even have the authority to call him "mine". But I learned from that mistake and coped up with that misfortune. I already forgave him and as the saying goes, everyone deserves a second chance but not for the same mistake.

I'm very contented with my love life. I'm currently in a pseudo relationship, the feeling of being both single and taken but I'm being open to the possibility that may be he's not the one. But as for now, I'm enjoying all the memories that we both share. There maybe heart breaks, heartaches and all that drama but you will always find love. "Love is seeing an IMPERFECT PERSON, PERFECTLY" - She's Dating the Gangster.

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A Sheep Inside a Wolf's Fur

CHILDHOOD - The only time where you can run down the streets with no trouble and regrets. The time to be carefree. I can tell many things about what it's like to be a child but I can't tell you what it really feels. I have my own version of being a child but nevertheless, I literally didn't spend my childhood the way a child would use to spend theirs.

I can't say I have lived my childhood life to its fullest. For me, I'm an entirely different person. I'm not a nerd or a weirdo. I can generally fit in, I guess? There's just something holding me back from the others.

When I was a child I love to mingle with the elders since my parents are busy with their jobs. As a child, gallivanting is one of the things you really can't resist even though your parents are prohibiting such habit. As a result, well what would you expect?? When I reached Grade 3, wandering the streets escaped my innocent head as I started to stay at home. Many people would tell me that I am too mature for my age, they'll always say that children in my age would go off the streets.

After learning my lessons not to wander off the streets, I got used in spending my time at home without even doing anything. Up to this day, my parents would scold  me for not going out of our house 24/7 but what can I do? There was even a time when I went out of our house to buy something then the saleslady asked me if where have I been because she seldom sees me going out of the streets. I have practiced going out on the streets only if  I have some important matters to attend.

Literally, people would tend to avoid me simply because they thought  I was very serious and uptight. They would often see me as a not-so-jolly-profound spoiled brat. But once they'll talk to me, at that very moment they will surely eat their own words. I often get these confessions from the people close to me. Never judge a person by your first impression because sometimes what's real is something that's invisible to the eye.

Maybe I did not enjoy my childhood days into pieces yet I know I can still live a good life. I may receive many discrimination yet I felt blessed. I may not have many friends but at least I have one. As what I have reflected from my friends, life may seem unfair but life loves those people who bounce back from adversity and dares to live it.

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